The first applicant to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this belfry the other day. I beseech you to honour his life by allowing me to audition in his place.”

The bishop agreed to give the man the opportunity. The twin then began to ring the bells as beautifully as his brother. But, as he finished, he groaned, clutched his chest, collapsed and died on the spot.

Two priests, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief, rushed up to the belfry.

“What has happened? Who is this man?” the first priest asked breathlessly.

“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “ but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally in the belfry. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day when an armless man approached him and said that he was applying for the job.

The bishop was incredulous. “But you have no arms!”

“Not a problem,” said the man. “Observe.” And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody.

The bishop listened in amazement, convinced that he had found a replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, however, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed down the stairs. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the dead man, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked him, “Who was that man?”

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell”.

(There is a sequel to this joke and it will appear later this month!)

His boss says: “You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better. You try that.”

Two hours later, Hung Chow calls again and speaks to his boss. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at wok soon…..  You got nice house.”

‘Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?’

‘Bejaysus —- Why?’ Paddy asked.

‘Because,’ said Mick, ‘the whole street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.’

Paddy replied: ‘Stupid bastards, the laugh’s on them … I wasn’t home yesterday.’

http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One
hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head..’

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said ‘No change yet.’

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

“What’s wrong with him?” he asks his assistant.

“He came in for cough syrup but I couldn’t find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives” replies the assistant.

“You idiot” exclaims the pharmacist, “you can’t treat a cough with laxatives.”

“Of course you can” replies the assistant, “look at him. He’s too bloody scared to cough.”

A private jet ‘plane carrying five passengers is about to crash. There are, however, only four parachutes.

One passenger is Cristiano Ronaldo who says, “I’m the best footballer in the world. I’ve just been transferred to Real Madrid for a record fee. I’ve got millions of fans all over the world and if I died it would devastate them.”  So he takes a parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Gordon Brown, says, “I am the Prime Minister of Great Britain and am trying to lead my country and, indeed, the world through the current economic crisis. It would cause enormous problems if I were to die now.” He takes a parachute and jumps.

The third passenger, George W Bush, says, “I am the previous President of the United States of America. I have not yet written my memoirs and I want the opportunity of correcting a few miscontraceptions regarding my suitability for the presidency. I cannot therefore die now, so must also have a parachute.” He too jumps.

That leaves just two passengers, an old man and a schoolboy. The old man says to the boy: “I have lived a long and enjoyable life but you have yours ahead of you.  It is only right that you have the last parachute.”

The boy replies: “Thank you, sir, but there are two parachutes left. That last man grabbed my school bag…”