On top of that Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit which stressed out Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out. Heaven knows where.

As Santa began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered everywhere.    Extremely frustrated, Santa went into the house for a glass  of cider and a shot of rum to calm himself down but, when he got to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.  In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider glass, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. When he went to get the broom, he found that mice had eaten all the straw off the end of it.
  
Just then the doorbell rang and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a cheerful little angel with a great big Christmas tree!  The angel said very joyfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?” 

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

When a hearse and funeral procession go over the bridge, one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.   When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits down and carries on fishing.

 His friend turns to him and says, “That’s one of the nicest, most respectful things I’ve ever seen.”

“Well”, came the reply,” we were married for 20 years.”

At her next check-up, the new doctor reviewed a list of the lady’s recent prescriptions. He was amazed to see one of the items on the list.

“Mrs Smith, do you realise that you are being prescribed BIRTH CONTROL pills?”

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs Smith, I assure that there is nothing in these pills that could possibly help you sleep.”

She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee.

“Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in my 16-year-old granddaughter’s glass of orange juice. And, believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”

 ’Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. 
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.
 
After months of careful research, “MALE & FEMALE” procedures have been
developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.’

MALE PROCEDURE:

 1. Drive up to the cash machine.
 2. Open your car window.
 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
 6. Close window.
 7. Drive off.
 
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
 
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
     machine.
3. Apply hand brake and open the window.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
     card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
    distance from the car.
 8. Insert card.
 9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
       inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16.. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
       cheque book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release hand brake.

Well… I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine.  It’s rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling.  I do it every day and I really enjoy it.”

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.”He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

The interviewer found this interesting so he asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.  She explained that she had first married a banker in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, a preacher  in her 60s and now, aged 80, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse occupations. She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

Her husband asks, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

She replies, “It’s me…talking to the wine.”